Are they standing on Water Buffalo aka the stories of the study tour

The magesticness (read out of Saigon) that was my study tour began at approximately 4:30 on Sat April 10th with desperate last minute packing so that I could actually make my 6am flight to hai phong...
Flight to Hai Phong
I make it through security and walk past an alarming large box of knives that people have had to discard...am informed that those are the knives people carry with them to cut up their fruit and that they just forgot they had them in their pockets when they went to get on a plane...realize this is entirely possible...am no longer freaked out by large box of knives...get on plane...see cute steward person...tu asks cute steward person for water he smiles at her and runs to go get it...i contemplate killing tu and stealing steward for myself...am served vietnamese version of "breakfast": roll, various unidentifiable meats, a small salad, a small pasta salad, watermelon, pineapple, and dragon fruit...i discover dragon fruit is much better with sugar...steal tu's sudoku book and hold it hostage for the rest of the trip...arrive in hai phong...go to baggage claim where everyone immeadiately starts smoking b/c two hours without a cigarette is about an hour and 59 minutes too long...get bags...fight off 12 taxi drivers who all yell madam at me and try and grab my bags and put me in a taxi...find tour guide...get in car and ask where closest coffee place is
3 hours later---HA LONG BAY
Beautiful...go to some caves...just a UNESCO world heritage sight blah blah blah...take 100 pictures of rocks...see a rock structure called fairy's nipple (guess what it looks like)...get back ont he boat...boat around for a while...wish it was sunny...run across floating village...get off boat and look for fresh seafood in floating village...get back on boat...eat seafood...go into food coma...wake up hour later...still on boat...get off boat...rains incredibly hard...sleep all the way to Hanoi
Hanoi
Hanoi is old...but there are less motorbikes and people i automatically like it more than saigon...i see white people...go to dinner...eat more than any one human should...go into food coma at 10pm...get up at 8am...am pissed b/c i have to wear pants to go see uncle ho's dead body and it's 95F...go to masoleum decide line is too long go to museum of ethnology...am pissed b/c i'm wearing pants...museum of ethnology is all about ethnic minorities...i take too many pictures...still angry about pants...find gift shop...anger goes away...replaced by desire to buy everything...go eat bun cha...eat more than one person should again...go to museum of fine arts...beautiful...angry about pants again...go back to guesthouse...sleep...go get dinner/find ice cream...happy again...go to bed...wake up...wonder around the city all day...it's really hot...decide to go to a bar on a sunday...find three australians wondering the streets...one is cute...cute one wants to talk to the two asian girls i'm with fml...i talk to the gay one all night while trying to ignore the 41 year old...find out hanoi has strict midnight curfew...it's 12:01...get locked in bar...am scared...see cute boy in corner...cute boy works for canadian embassy...am immeadiately more interested...get distracted by something shiny...realize doors are unlocked...leave...go to another bar...police come...i almost pee myself...run away...back to guesthouse...wake up with the asian version of the flu...stay in bed all day...get up to go see hoa lo prison...it's really hot...go back to sleep...next day still sick...haven't eaten in two days...get on ghetto ass overnight train to hue
Train to Hue
realize vietnamese trains stop in the middle of nowhere and also realize i cannot sleep on trains...stay awake for 12 hours
Hue
meet the tour guide that won't shut up...go to some old places...take too many pictures...it's really hot...find candy store...don't care about heat anymore...eat half a bag of bannanna candy...stomach reminds me i'm sick and i immeadiately regret eating candy...spend rest of day in bed paying for eating candy...wake up...get in car for hoi an
Car to Hoi An
Sleep...am excited about seeing other white people...pretty country side...nod along to w/e tour guide says...realized he's talked for 3 hours straight
Hoi An
OMG A SILK FACTORY...realize silk is cheap...realize tailors are everywhere...realize this is not good for my bank account...throw stuff in hotel room...find tailor number one called "happy"...have her make me two dresses...walk around...find a place to make me shoes...walk around...find another tailor who will eventually make me 3 dresses although i only started out with one...back to hotel...realize all money that was designated for food is going towards clothes...sleep instead of eat...wake up...go to ancient sight My Son on hottest day of the year...am miserable...think about killing annoying tour guide...go to visit first tailor realize there will be nothing "happy" about my dresses as they don't seem to get basic concept of sewing...pick up shoes...perfect...am happier...go to second tailor...dress is beautiful she says she will make me another one for very cheap price...i of course say yes...try and steal cute dog...go get second pair of shoes made...go to pool...find out vietnamese books melt in the sun...go back to sleep...wake up go to first tailor...still not "happy" with dresses...go to second tailor...dress is perfect...get another one made bringing total up to 3 from her...walk around see some important historical sights blah blah blah...go back to first tailor...still not happy...just take dresses...extremely upset...find place that has real chocolate for cheap...am no longer upset...eat way to much chocolate...realize i still have asian flu...go to sleep...wake up get last dresses...happy happy happy...get on train to Saigon...realize i still can't sleep on trains...am awake for 16 hours
Back to Saigon at 5am on 4/20...have to go to Vietnamese at 8am and work at 1...i was not a happy camper

Wait No What He's Not What...

So i just saw someone pooping behind a bus stop rest area (bench with a plank behind it)...this person simply walked behind the plank thing pulled down the pants and squatted...i've seen people peeing behind there before but pooping that's a first...this little incident reminded me of my new fave games to play here in asia land...here they are (in no particular order):
1. am i gonna throw up or poop (hint: you can solve both by eating mass amounts of tums)
2. how many days in a row can i go without pooping before i notice something might be wrong
3. what's that smell?
4. can i buy clothes here or do i need to go back to the maternity store (i'm an xl in vietnam...it makes me sad)
5. what the hell am i eating it kind of looks like bacon...do they have bacon here?
6. how much guava do i have to eat before i can poop?
7. is that a small dog or a rat?
8. what the hell just hit me in the foot? (hint this game was played shortly after #7...answer: it was a very large rat that ran into my foot while i was waiting for my smoothie to get made in a little coffee shop...what did i do: picked up my foot said oh my god in vietnamese and let the ladies dog chase it under the table...then i drank my mango smoothie yuuum)
9. did i remember to put my cereal in the fridge (you have to do this or seal it up super tight in a plastic bag or all of the ants will get into it)
10. is this gonna taste like it does in america (answer...always no)
I've also been on a desperate hunt for cheap hershey's chocolate...i absolutely REFUSE to pay above 60.000 VND for a bag although all the supermarkets sell a bag for 100.000 VND (that's 6 USD and i'm just too damn cheap to pay that much now)
Oh and i finally turned 21...i did karoke...scored a 100%...the machine was obvi broken